Sleep

Last night I slept.  I slept hard.
At 1 AM Samuel wandered in my room needing help.  I helped him, he threw up on me, David helped us clean up, then we all went back to bed, and I slept.  

It has been months since I have slept like I did last night.  The last school year was so hard as Samuel's condition was making his life harder and then we scheduled the surgery.  The anxiety of the surgery made sleep almost impossible, and as soon as school let out for the summer I started having horrible feelings of what if this is the last time we get to _________ .   Fill that blank in with garden, vacation, read a story, play a game, eat dinner, listen to him laugh, tuck him into bed, etc.   

I cried as I left his bedroom the day he was admitted to the hospital because that was the last time we would ever do his daily treatment in his room on his bed.  We have done them since he was 3 years old.  That's 6 years of 30 minutes each day that David or I would sit with him quietly, watching a show that he liked or listening to him play with his little toys.   We've watched him grow and mature durine those snippers of time.  The toys he chose to play with and the shows he wanted to watch changed. The space for us to be at the foot of his bed during the treatment was quickly disappearing as he has gotten taller and taller. But on that day it ended.  On June 28th, we did the last treatment on his bed, so I cried and took a picture of the treatment setup that we won't be using again. 

In the hospital, I tried to sleep, but even when I would sleep I needed to be awake enough to help Samuel.  He would moan most of the nights. He also had some difficulty breathing.  I couldn't really sleep because he wasn't well.  Plus, the wonderful nurses and doctors would also be coming in and out to check on him and give me status updates. I needed to be awake. Awake even while I slept.

Yesterday though, he was discharged.  We arrived home and ate dinner as a family. We were all exhausted so we went to bed early, and I slept. I slept hard.